===============================================================================================
What do you call a flock of birds flying in formation?
The Red Sparrows!!!
===============================================================================================
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting
this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2
to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
===================================================
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
=============================================================================================
THESE COME
FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD
AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY
CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN
LEFT IN.
===========================================================================================
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like. Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
===========================================================================================================
Dear Lord......
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odd s and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as You
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits "send".
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to www.GOD.com
======================================================================================================================
Her time about 4.13, which she's capable of. [DAVID COLEMAN]
She never knows when she's beaten except when she actually is. [STEPHEN HADLEY]
There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with twenty thousand people... [DAVID
COLEMAN]
He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track. [DAVID COLEMAN]
...a very powerful set of lungs, very much hidden by that chest of his. [ALAN
PASCOE]
Virren, the champion, came in fifth place and ran a champions race. [ANON]
This boy swims like a greyhound... [ANTHONY STILL]
...he just can't believe what's not happening to him. [DAVID COLEMAN]
Tahamata went through the air like a torpedo. [PETER JONES]
Both these players seem to anticipate the play of the other almost before it's
happened. [TONY GUBBA]
Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists. [DAVID VINE]
Harvey Glance, the black American sprinter with the white top and the black
bottom... [RON PICKERING]
There is only one winner in this race. [DAVID COLEMAN]
...and the winner is the winner. [DAVID COLEMAN]
Bradford, who had gone up from 200 metres to 400, found it hard going and for
the last 100 was always going backwards. [DAVID COLEMAN]
Henry Runo... the man with those tremedous asbestos lungs. [RON PICKERING]
Boxing:
And the crowd go wild as they see the shaven head of Hagler enter the
auditorium. And there he is, hooded... [REG GUTTERIDGE]
...and Magri has to do well against this unknown Mexican who comes from a famous
family of five boxing brothers. [HARRY CARPENTER]
He's had 24 fights, lost one, so he is undefeated... [ALAN MINTER]
Minter, the undisputed world champion, leaves the ring not a champion. [HARRY
CARPENTER]
Well, I'm hoping we can fight again, or at least have a re-match. [JOHN CONTEH]
To be honest, it was a very physical fight... [JIM WATT]
This ring really does look small although it's standard size. Mind you, we're
watching the fight in a huge stadium so Einstein's theory of relativity must be
working here. [REG GUTTERIDGE]
Cricket:
It's his second finger - technically his third. [CHRISTOPHER MARTIN-JENKINS]
...this series has been swings and pendulums all the way through. [TREVOR
BAILEY]
It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977. [JIM LAKER]
It's especially tense for parker who's literally fighting for a place on an
overcrowded plane to India. [TREVOR BAILEY]
Boycott, somewhat a creature of habit, likes exactly the sort of food he himself
prefers. [DON MOSEY]
Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator... [JOHN
ARLOTT]
The Test Match begins in ten minutes - that's our time, of course... [DAVID
COLEMAN]
Lilee bowled seven overs, no maidens, no wickets for 35, and I think that's a
true reflection of his figures too. [ALAN McGILVAN]
...and England win by a solitary nine runs... [FRANK BOUGH]
After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out. [FRANK BOUGH]
The hallmark of a great captain is his ability to win the toss at the right
time. [RICHIE BENAUD]
Football:
Within a couple of minutes he had scored two goals in a two-minute period. [ALAN
PARRY]
For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows. [BOBBY
ROBSON]
The score is Middlesborough 1, Middlesborough 0 - and Middlesborough have now
gone eleven matches without a win. [DAVID COLEMAN]
John Bond's smile is always very, very good radio... [MIKE INGHAM]
After a goalless first half, the score at half-time is 0-0. [BRIAN MOORE]
And Keegan was there like a surgeon's knife - bang! [BRYAN BUTLER]
Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hooped shirts... they look like a team
of zebras. [PETER JONES]
So far Villa have only troubled Bradshaw twice with shots that did not trouble
him. [LARRY CANNING]
Without picking out individuals, I thought Gary Stanley did very well indeed.
[ANON]
Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried. [GORDON
LEE]
Gary Bailey had to choose tonight to miss out on saving that. [DAVID COLEMAN]
I promise results, not promises. [JOHN BOND]
I wouldn't mind being a fly on Larry Lloyd's shorts. [MARTIN JOHNSON]
...and their manager, terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he is
somewhere else. [BRIAN MOORE]
Most of the things I've done are my own fault, so I can't feel guilty about
them. [GEORGE BEST]
I have other irons in the fire, but I'm keeping them close to my chest. [JOHN
BOND]
I don't think they're as good as they are. [KEVIN KEEGAN]
History, as John Bond would agree, is all about todays and not about yesterdays.
[BRIAN MOORE]
The advantage of being at home is very much with the home side. [DENIS LAW]
Some of the players never dreamed they'd be playing in a Cup Final at Wembley -
but here they are today, fulfilling those dreams. [LAWRIE McMENEMY]
====================================================
I've just tried a new sort of
curry. It's called a tarka masala.
Like tikka masala but it's otter.
====================================================
Who
led the pedants' revolt?
Which Tyler
=====================================================
Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman says - "Get out! You're bard!"
====================================================
How
to Write Good Remember These Simple Rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep
incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that
the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
26. Don't use no double negatives.
27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say,
commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be, say,
semicolons.
28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish
29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you
really should be doing is using commas and semicolons and even periods to break
the sentence up into more digestible chunks.
30. To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been
bopping the literary baloney.
31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he been forgetting his helper verbs.
====================================================
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from aBUMP........
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
======================================================
Subject: exam paper
for viola players
Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [5 pts.]
Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4.
Name the other five. [5 pts.]
Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10
pts.]
Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola [1 pt.]
Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.) [5 pts.]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton [5 pts.]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5
pts.]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest
first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace [4 pts.]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan [5 pts.]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Sir Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5 pts.]
Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La [5 pts.]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5 pts.]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan [5 pts.]
For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written? [5 pts.]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon. [5 pts.]
From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen." [5 pts.]
Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo [5 pts.]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5 pts.]
Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known
British broadcasting corporation. C, B, B. [5 pts.]
======================================================
If you like Penguin games c-c-c-click here!
=====================================================
Click here for a psychic game - you can e-mail me and tell me how it works!
======================================================
Click here for some lovely stress relief!
====================================================
PRETTY SMART
"OLDER" WOMEN!!!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
===================================================
There were three
Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of
the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the
three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the
winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each
knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses,
and cooking food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at
that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire.
This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He
busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to
fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle
raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from
the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms
I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to
the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
====================================================
Click here for Squirrel Fishing!
====================================================
"Little Things"
Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow
getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic
light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.
Doubtful? Think about this:
After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of other
companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share
their available
office space. At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of
why these people were alive...... and all the stories were just 'little'
things.
As you might know, the head of the company got! in late that day because
his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto
accident.
One missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he s! hould have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that
morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he
developed a
blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is
why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a
ringing telephone ... all the little things that annoy me. I think to
myself, this is
exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment
AND NOW- For something completely different!!
This is truly a heart-warming story
about the bond formed between a little
girl and some building workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant site. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty site.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next-door and started talking to the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a few pounds. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week
with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the
teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this
week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless *********** of
********** at Chadwicks ever bring us the ******** timber!"
====================================================
HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and....presto! The blockage will be
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then,
you'll
be afraid to cough!
6. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer and you'll
forget
about the toothache.
Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are...
--You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40 If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
--The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I
apologise" and "You are right."
--Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
--Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
--If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
====================================================
Subject: Communication
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?" Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered,
"Odlums self-raising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
=======================================================
Click here to see what Pavarotti is really singing about!
=====================================================
A
man from Atlanta moved to New York.
as he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and went
in. He noticed a very strange looking bronze cat , with a tag on it saying
"bronze cat $30, story $150."
The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.
"Well ," said the man, " It's just like it says,
$30 for the cat and $150 for its story"
" Thanks, I'll just take the cat," said the man.
"Very well , but you will be back," said the salesman
The man left with the cat in his pocket.
As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. on
turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he
got to Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.
"Forget this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze
cat into the rive. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.
The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.
"I knew you would be back," said the salesman. "
You want the story!"
"Forget the story," said the man."Have you got a
bronze Mets fan?"
========================================================
The
Island of Lost Socks
If you look down in your washing machine
you'll probably see a trap door.
It's actually always been there.
You just never saw it before.
It's easy to find your way through.
You just open it with three knocks.
And behind it you'll find a river that leads
to the Island of Lost Socks.
The natives of this island
are the socks that got away
from the awful, terrible life
of smelling feet all day.
Now they run around in the sunshine
enjoying magnificent views,
and knowing they'll never again
have to fill anybody's shoes.
They never get holes, runs or snags.
They never get sold at half price.
They always are warm and fresh smelling,
'Cause this is sock paradise.
So the next time you notice a few of your socks
have vanished without a trace,
don't bother to look in the laundry,
'cause they're in a much happier place.
Arden Davidson
====================================================
Billy Connolly's
'Did you ever stop and wonder?'
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does your Doctor leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look at you anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that
ACME rubbish, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .)
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the lift button more than once make it arrive faster?
====================================================
Click here to see something amazing!
====================================================
Proud to be British Because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a
DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters. Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate..
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst being sick into the toilet.
====================================================
Subject:
For those afflicted with paronomasial dysfunction
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that
votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
====================================================
For
all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive --but would run
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
=====================================================
While sitting
at your desk, lift up your right foot slightly and make
clockwise circles with it.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction!
====================================================
After the college boy
delivered the pizza to Bubba's
trailer house.
Bubba asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth,"this is my first trip here,
but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you,
I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Bubba. "Well, just to show them how
wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school
fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Bubba.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
====================================================
A neutron walks
into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
===================================================
Commentators
At Their Best:
"... and for those of
you watching in black & white, Leeds are playing in yellow"
(David Coleman)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500 metre times ever. And all those times
are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football Jack. Will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live
)
===================================================
This is fantastic! Will you pass?
Click here
====================================================
1) Sharpening a pencil with
a knife makes you feel manly.
2) Nobody ever dares to make a 'cuppa soup' in a bowl.
3) Everyone who grew up in the 80s has entered the digits 71077345 into a
calculator.
4) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
5)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law to light a bonfire in
your garden or not.
6) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.
7) Triangular sandwiches taste better than rectangular ones.
8) You never know where to look when eating an apple.
9) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden always turns up a bouncy ball.
11) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
12) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
13) The most embarrassing thing at school is to call your teachers mum or dad.
14) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.
15) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
16) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
17) Bricks are horrible to carry.
18) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.
19) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
20) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to
specifically stir paint with.
21) People don't drive slam car doors too hard.
22) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
23) There's no panic like the panic you feel when you momentarily feel that you
have got your head or hand stuck in something.
24)Despite constant warning you have never met anyone who has had their arm
broken by a swan.
25) The most painful household incident is treading on an upturned plug whilst
wearing only socks.
26) You've never met anyone whose face did stay like that because the wind
changed.
27) You've never met anyone who has had their eye taken out by a small child
waving something around.
=====================================================================
- Can you cry under
water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two penneth in"...but it's only a
"penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up
like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
- Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
- If a 999 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
===================================================
KILLER
BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up
and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an
hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck
to the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde
====================================================
Commenting on a complaint
from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas
said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.
Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed
his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her
knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian
boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want
the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued
by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This
sort of thing is all too common." (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't
have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land
Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our
lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."(Bournmouth
Evening Echo)
Work for an operator
---------------------
The following are real
conversations Directory Enquiries operators
had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the
Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff,
please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the
B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming
up the window to write the number on.
====================================================
I was in Borders the other day and I noticed that they have a new book out - 'Maths For Beginners' - They have a special offer on - You get three for the price of four!
News just in:
The National Eczema Society is giving away free scratch cards - apparently you can't win anything but they make you feel better!
====================================================
The next time you are washing
your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the a nimals would slip and fall off the
roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when
wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed
in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to
the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would
eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day Sometimes the stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in
the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper
crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid
out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out
of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"graveyard
shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by
the bell"
or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring !
====================================================
Q.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Whithers!
====================================================
NEWS JUST IN
At the Greater Cincinnati Airport today, an individual,
later discovered to be a school teacher, was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious
al-Gebra movement.
He
is being charged with carrying
weapons of maths instruction.
====================================================
Some Quotations from David Brent
Know your
limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition
results in promotion to a job you can't do - David Brent, The Office '
' Quitters
never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and
never quit are idiots - David Brent, The Office '
' Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario -
David
Brent, The Office '
' A problem
shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
just half of someone else's? - David Brent, The Office '
' If you
can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation - David
Brent, The Office '
' Make
good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep
under your desk - David Brent, The Office
' Eagles may
soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines -
David Brent, The Office '
' There
may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough
- David Brent, The Office '
' If at
first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried -
David Brent, The Office '
' Never do
today that which will become someone else's responsibility
tomorrow - David Brent, The Office '
' Accept that
some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the
statue - David Brent, The Office '
====================================================
Excited
about his new project concept, a movie producer called together
several big name draws to kick some ideas around. The project, an action
docu-drama about famous composers, featured Stallone, Van Damme and
Schwarzenegger in leading roles.
The producers really wanted the box office oomph of these three, and they
were prepared to allow them to select which famous composers they would
portray.
'Well,' started Stallone. 'I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him.'
'Chopin has always been my favourite,' said Van Damme. 'I'll play him.'
Things were going well; the producers were pleased. 'Sounds splendid. And
who do you want to be, Arnold?'
'I'll be Bach.'
====================================================
Not comedy but interesting :
READ THE STORY
BELOW BEFORE YOU CLICK ON THE LINK.
Apparently the owners of this house had been seeing images and hearing voices
for quite a while. They did some research and found that a lady once lived in
the house who lost her husband during the civil war. Legend says that she used
to sit at the table and look across the fields in anticipation of her loved
one returning home. He never came. So, they say she still waits. They caught
this photo (using digital imaging and sound) of what they claim to be her.
This one is a little spooky once you find the ghost in the picture. It took me
about 20 seconds to find it, but when you do, it just stands out. Like one of
those optical illusions.
To save you some time, concentrate around the table and sort of towards the
left window. Also, if you have volume, turn it up as you can hear some faint
murmuring after a while which they say is the ghost talking. Kind of
interesting...keep looking you'll find it.
Follow the link for the picture.
===================================================
These are real
answers taken over the years on Larry Gogan's radio show.
Actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz.
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name ? Heil
8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in muck
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ? A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls ? A roof
25) Something Slippery ? A conman
26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29) A famous Scotsman? Jock
30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels
32) What star do travelers follow? Joe Dolan
===================================================
Difficult Surgery
------------------
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
======================================================
A young man excitedly tells his
mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
friends
in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down
on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her!"
===================================================
Interesting!!!!
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They
hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or
older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from
each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen
wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when
the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William
Jefferson
Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their bottoms.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara
Millicent Roberts.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
===================================================
EVER
WONDER...
...why
the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why
you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why
"abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why
doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why
you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why
lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made
with real lemons?
...why
the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why
there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who
tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why
Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why
they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why
they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box ?
...why
sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why
they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if
con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why
they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In
case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On
a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time
I have to work on my hair).
On
a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On
a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)
On
some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion).
On
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
On
packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On
Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)
On
Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this because???....)
On
most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On
a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On
Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash!)
On
an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I
don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On
a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly."
On
a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(...was
there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
====================================================
In the men's room
at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly
above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the
sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser,
someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
=================================================
One day the
first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Aaaargh!!!!!!! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
====================================================
BLESS MY COMPUTER
Dear Lord
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you, my Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.
Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love!
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend
Bless each e-mail Inbox
And the person who hits Send.
When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM
Remember each who've said this prayer
Sent up to God.com Amen
====================================================
This guy walks
into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does,
I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to beat you up.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella.
Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy,
tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the
sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him.
The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said Ty Cobb?"
====================================================
Chris was sent to prison,
and the warden made arrangements
for him to learn a trade. In no time, Chris became known
as one of the best carpenters in the area, and often got
passes to do woodworking jobs for people in town.
When the warden started remodeling his kitchen, he called
Chris into his office and asked him to build and install
the cabinets and countertops. Chris refused.
"Gosh, I'd really like to help you," he said, "but
counterfitting is what got me into prison in the first place.
====================================================
Christmas Wish
Today...I wish you a day of ordinary
miracles :
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size
pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is
smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special
and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
====================================================
These are metaphors from
actual GCSE essays....
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with
vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at
4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview
portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
might work. ( I think this was written by Gary Neville!! )
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first
several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of
the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the
suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan
set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a dustcart reversing.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
====================================================
QUAKE APPEAL
A
MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING .3 ON THE RICHTER SCALE HIT ON MONDAY 21
OCTOBER
2002. IT EPICENTERED ON MILES PLATTING, MANCHESTER
Victims
can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Sorted", “Top” and
“Arr Kid”.
The
Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several
priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were
damaged.
Three
areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
Many were woken well
before their Giro arrived.
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to
come to terms with the
fact
that something interesting has happened in Manchester.
One
resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said
"It
was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying.
My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it.
I
was still shaking when I was watching Trisha ont' telly this morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The
British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to
the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings including benefit
books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This
appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be
caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after.
Items
required include: -
Baseball
caps
Fila
Jackets
Heavy
Twill Trousers (Male)
Shell
Suits (Female)
Boots.
Food
parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. Required
foodstuffs include: -
Hollands
Pies
Black
Peas
Tripe
and Onions
"Pigs
Blood Pud"
Boddys
Bitter
£2
buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10
can take a family to Salford for the day, where children can play on an
unspoiled canal bank
among
the national collection of stinging nettles.
22p
buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Newton Heath and Moss Side.
====================================================
1. If you're too
open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to
be amused.
====================================================
Looking back, it's hard to believe
that we have lived as long as we have:
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or
air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.
Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint.
We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodgeball and sometimes
the ball would really hurt.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were
never over weight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade.
That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem
solvers.
We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.
THINK ABOUT IT!!!
====================================================
Subject:
English Made Easy
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German,
which wastheother possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement
and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
"Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this
will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped
in
favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards
kan
have
one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome"ph" will be replaced with the "f". This
will make words
like
fotograf 20%shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it
should
go away.
By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z"and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining
"ou"and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer
vil
be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand
ech oza. Zedrem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
====================================================
A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup.
After a long wait for the results, the doctor finally came back out.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying, and
you don't have much time left."
"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I have?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what? Months? Weeks?
What?!"
"Nine..."
====================================================
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack."
=====================
Microsoft Technician
---------------------
One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to
boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction,
a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.
The report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!"
==================================================
George W. -isms
-----------------
"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but
I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself,
and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
--Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
--Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."
--On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime
until we get an objective analysis."
--Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
====================================================
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A
WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL
TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
====================================================
Food For Thought
----------------
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
=============================================
Jocks Vs Nerds
-----------
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while
boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would
take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,
they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into
a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the
federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in
the Olympics and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his
trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over.
Nerd wins.
====================================================
A guy walks into a shop and notices two pieces of sirloin hanging
from the ceiling. He asks the shopkeeper about it and the shopkeeper replies,
"It's a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the meat
down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss you have to
buy dinner for the whole shop."
The guy thinks about it and says, "No, I don't think so... the
steaks are too high!'
================================================
Thank you to Danielle for this joke :
Police picked up 2 kids yesterday one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
=================
Did You Know
-------------
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if
you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants.
====================
The Artist
----------
An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure
what type to get.
At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small
one.
He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser
of two easels.
===================
Dinner
------
It was mealtime during a flight on a small airline in the
Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
==================
Good Questions !!!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme rubbish, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window.
==================
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
=======================
Dominant Species
----------------
I had a Linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be, but I think there's one other important thing that
separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners
==================
Amazing facts:
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old
English law which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left handed people do.
============
These are actual signs seen around the world in non-English
speaking countries.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guarenteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideaways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
====================================================
A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the
word "dog" in them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. she asked the
class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "sure Miss Jones, how about
a 'collie' flower!"
=========================================
Dear Son...........
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in
Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up the
garden. that's where I buried the GUNS!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire
garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asked him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant
your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."
=============================================
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
============================================
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his
rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to
pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a
crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than
a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew
chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the
pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
=======================================================
Funny list of words and the eerie way
their letters being rearranged:
DORMITORY - DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION - A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE - HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES - CASH LOST IN 'EM
ANIMOSITY - IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW - WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS - ALAS! NO MORE Z's
A DECIMAL POINT - I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES - THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO - TWELVE PLUS ONE
ALEC GUINNESS - GENUINE CLASS
SEMOLINA - IS NO MEAL
CONTRADICTION - ACCORD NOT IN IT
ASTRONOMER - MOON STARER
PRINCESS DIANA - END IS A CAR SPIN
THE PUBLIC ART GALLERIES - LARGE PICTURE HALL
I BET YEAR TWO THOUSAND - A YEAR TO SHUT DOWN
====================================================
Ever wonder why???
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your rear?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
do is stand up and say, "My name is Clyde, and I am an alcoholic?"
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for
centuries" have a use by date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no-one would eat?
====================================================
Recall
-------
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he
spotted a turtle asleep on a log.
So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight
with his trunk.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark.
"Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that
took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
====================================================
These jokes are from Ben Meredith:
* What do you call a girl with one foot on one side of a river and the other foot on the other side?
BRIDGET!
* Why couldn't the pony sing?
BECAUSE HE WAS A LITTLE HORSE!
* What's big, hairy, and flies faster than the speed of sound?
KING KONGCORDE!
* What's scary, untidy, and lives in Scotland?
THE LOCH MESS MONSTER!
* What's white, minty, and dangerous?
A POLO BEAR!
* How does an injured pig get to hospital?
IN A HAMBULANCE!
====================================================
SIGNS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE
SEEN
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to
the right place."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
====================================================
Kid's Advice
------------
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
-Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't
answer.
-Hannah, age 9
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
-Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes.
-Randy, age 9
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
-Taylia, age 11
====================================================
You
need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
====================================================
Below are some of the
latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of
the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to
see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.
Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to
become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become
Mine-All-Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become
Fairwell-Honeychild.
3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
3-Penney-Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and
become Knott-NOW!
====================================================
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A
man came in
and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and asked,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
He said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow
and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm thinking maybe an old
Datsun Seven Ten, but no, he says that it's a Buick.
"Okay, how big is it?" He made a circle with his hands about
3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask. He says, "I
don't know, but it's always been there."
One of them gives him a note pad and asks him if he can draw a
picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in
the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it
as he writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing
so hard in hysterics. Then one goes and gets it for hi .
If you don't get it...draw a circle, write 710 inside of it. Now
rotate the circle 180 degrees
====================================================
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to
avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,
being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road and got out to see what
had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man
crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She
stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit
this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She
walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the
contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the
rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped
down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped
another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what
substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over
to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could
read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to
Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
====================================================
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
====================================================
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated
partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"
Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a
snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
===========================================
Summer in Florida
------------------
You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good
branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little
chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to
steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your
car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside
at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and
cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms
out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to
do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
=========================================
Interesting
Facts
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
12 . "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.
14.. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
NOW you know everything... You could be a TEENAGER!!!
====================================================
CHURCH SIGNS
-------------
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take
two tablets.
When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign
that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" --------- (U R)
====================================================
A woman has twins, and
gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wished she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
====================================================
On opening his new store, a man
received a bouquet of
flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed
card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy." While
puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was
the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong
card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a
businessman and I understand how these things can
happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card
to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location.'" was the reply.
====================================================
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible
along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time,
she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull
out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back
to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her
and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in
there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed
by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in
the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when
I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
====================================================
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush
your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
====================================================
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity,
upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
====================================================
St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell
and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit"
and called to the Devil.
The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want?"
St. Peter says, "The hinge is broken and it's your turn
to fix it."
The Devil retorted, "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have
anyone available for this."
St. Peter got angry. "Look, we have an agreement, and it's
your turn to fix the gate!"
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season
and there just isn't anyone available."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed "Ok, if that's the
way you want it, we'll sue!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and
just where are you going to find a lawyer?!"
====================================================
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet
of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had
to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.
====================================================
Reality
~~~ Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything.
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I
get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to
happen."
~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around
the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they
use to.
~~~ You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean
back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far
and you almost fall over but at the last second you
catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
====================================================
Walk to school
--------------
Timmy was a little nine year old boy that his Mum loved very much
and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple
of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he
did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be
like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of
how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously
follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would
not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler
anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys
walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of
Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she
seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following
us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the
23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much.
And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get
used to it.
====================================================
The Weakest Link......
Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions
to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be
spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting
time. And no cheating.
Marks, set....GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying
in second place. In which position are you now?
Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're
completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their
place, therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dim.
2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now
in?
Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely
wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming
last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer
is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your
strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!
Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a
calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
Take heart!! (that was the dictionary's suggestion)
3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again.
Plus 20. Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?
Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! The correct answer is 4100. Try
again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day!!
Although you should manage to get the last question right...
4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question
properly!
You are clearly the weakest link....GOODBYE
====================================================
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Supermancape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
=====================================================
Here's a little clarification of typical job listing lingo:
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce
yourself to your co-workers.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well,
a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something
useless like philosophy or English.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want, and then do it.
=====================================================
As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to
check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented.
We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness.
Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're
doing right now?"
He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the
ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50,
maybe 55."
==================================================
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening
to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five
seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins
pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going
*up*!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time
scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything
about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about
gas grills?"
====================================================
The "Stella" Awards
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New
Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks
after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an
annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the
U.S.
The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on
the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right
attorney (and jury, remember O.J.) you could win anything!
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by
a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who
was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
brat was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might
have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was
shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (or "tail bone" to us laypersons). The beverage was on the
floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.
And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his
first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70
mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a
cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus
a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of
this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying
their vehicles.)
====================================================
Australian bricklayer report
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a
true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was
attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow
descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report
form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on
the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there
watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This
explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
====================================================
David Beckham goes shopping, and
sees something interesting in the kitchen
department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos
flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant
tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed,
Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here,
boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads
are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold, "says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy
Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
====================================================
Avid Golfer
One day a man and his wife are playing golf at
their home course. On a certain par four, the
man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.
They find his ball directly behind one of the
greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored,
so that he can't play toward the green at all.
"Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways
to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."
But his wife, who had been looking things over, said
"Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we
open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the
building toward the green." The man congratulated his
wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot.
But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came
whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and
killing her dead on the spot.
A year or so later, the same man was playing the same
par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same
spot as before, right behind the building. As he is
cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his
playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these
double doors and..."
"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here
last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six."
====================================================
1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where
the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it
would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands
with soap?
6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the
word "Lisp"?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice?"
11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
====================================================
English is a hard language to
learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
Your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling
it out and an alarm goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
and one they missed.....
Why do we drive on a PARKWAY, and park in a DRIVEWAY?
====================================================
What kind of shoes do frogs like ?
Open-toad sandals.
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily
What do frogs drink?
Croaka cola
====================================================
ANNUAL PERSONNEL EVALUATION REPORTS
These useful quotes are from "actual" U.S. government employee performance
evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite
won't-be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
==============================================
Found in fortune cookies:
-------------------------
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from
bakery products."
You are few fries short of a Happy Meal.
You are a leader, people follow you, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
Everyone is entitled to be dull, but you are abusing the privilege.
=====================================
Advice For The Day
--------------------
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two Aspirin", and "Keep away from children."
=======================================
The following are actual submissions on a series of
quizzes, tests, and essays. Enjoy...
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose
of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
=======================================
Courtesy of the Guernsey Post and even if it never happened it's funny:
In the European parliament a French MEP was speaking about a milk product crisis in his country and suggested that it was best left to the common sense of the farmers in Normandy.
He declared, 'le probleme sera resolu par la sagesse normande'.
The interpreter duly translated this as, 'the problem will be solved by Norman wisdom'. The entire parliament was nonplussed as the British MEPs collapsed in helpless giggles and slapped their thighs in mirth.
=======================================
In the 60s two Volkswagen Beetle lady drivers met in the
parking lot and one says "I don`t know what it is, but my
engine makes a funny noise".
So the other ones asks her to open the engine hood to have
a look at it. They walk to the front of the car, she opens
the hood and shrieks
"No wonder - someone stole my engine".
"No problem" says the other "I have a spare in the back"
=======================================
This Works!
-----------
(Please do not try at home)
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the
light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom
window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day.
He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing
things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his
area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said
OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them
now, I've just shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the
area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught
the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man:
"I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied, "I thought you said there were no cops available!"
=======================================
The following are actual submissions on a series of
quizzes, tests, and essays. Enjoy...
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in
a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax,
and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e,
i, o, and u."
=======================================
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to
take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious downer.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
=======================================
Things Learned from Children
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor
is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing
pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh,"
it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in
the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball
shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.
Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four
year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool
you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jelly.
VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response
time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
=======================================
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the
merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.
For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he
has to have it, so he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's
bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says
the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know, but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of
it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the
item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home.
As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind
him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the
path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3
dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time
he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he
can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer
and looks over his shoulder. Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can
see, are marching behind him!
Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it
dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make
his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the
figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the
water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is
shocked to see him empty-handed. "You didn't bring it back?" he asks.
"No, I've just one question, Do you have one which is shaped like an OfStEd
Inspector?"
==================
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots
=============================================
TEN PUNS TO MAKE YOUR DAY EVEN BRIGHTER:
1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, hereby proving that
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super
callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, "no pun in ten did".
==============================
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song when he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at
large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
=======================================
A True Texan
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he
meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh!
We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows
off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We
have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie,
"What are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you
have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
====================
Forgettable Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." --Gerry Brown
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." -- George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush, US President
"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." --Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." --Richard Nixon, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." --Parish Magazine
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." --Dan Quayle, US VP
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." --Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." --Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
======================================
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn
some extra money. To start their business they asked the local parish
priest if he would be interested in their service...
He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to
the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half
water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job
they called the priest outside to look at their work.
"It looks wonderful," the priest said and as he started to hand
them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was
lightning and thunder and the parish area was drenched with rain.
As the rain hit the church the paint started running.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in absolute amazement,
a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."
=======================================
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking
the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview
subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to
the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have
you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have
come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world
peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I
come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the
earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between
the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
=======================================
George Bush, the Musician
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining
their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative
talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind.
Keep right on playing ..."
=================================
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get
something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?"
mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as
they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the
application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space
for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight
hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
=============================
"You've got to help me, Doc," the Irishman said. "It's
me ear. There's somethin' in there."
"Let's have a look. Why, my goodness, it's true. You've
got money lodged up in there." The doctor proceeded to
pull out a £100 bill. "Wow," he said, "and there's still
more."
Out came a few more hundreds, then some fifties and
some tens. Finally the doctor said, "Well, that seems
to be it."
"How much was there, all told?"
"One thousand, nine hundred and ninety dollars."
"Ah, yes, that'd be right," said the Irishman. "I knew
I wasn't feeling two grand."
====================
SOME PROFOUND THOUGHTS
* It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.
* It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to
try to pass them.
* Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up
75% of the world's population.
* The things that come to those who wait may be the
things left by those who got there first.
* When you go into court you are putting yourself in
the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty.
* If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
=====================
Subject: Wise and amusing words of wisdom
1. Do not walk behind
me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me,
either. Just leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a
thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal the
neighbour's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
5. Smiles are like air;
it's not important unless
you aren't getting any.
6. We are born naked,
wet, and hungry. Then
things get worse.
7. No one is listening until you make a
mistake.
8. Always remember you're unique, just like
everyone else.
9. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
11. It is far more
impressive when others
discover your good qualities
without your help.
12. If you think
nobody cares if you're
alive, try missing a couple of
Visa payments.
13. If you tell the
truth you don't have to
remember anything.
14. If you lend
someone £20, and never see
that person again; it was
probably worth it.
15. Never mess up an
apology with an excuse.
16. Never underestimate the power of stupid
people in large groups.
17. Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day. Set fire to his boat and he'll
be warm for the rest of his life!
18. Taxation WITH
representation isn't so
hot, either!
22. Don't worry, it
only seems strange the
first time.
23. If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving
is not for you.
24. Don't squat with
your spurs on..
25. Good judgment
comes from bad experiences
and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
26. The quickest way
to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
27. A closed mouth
gathers no foot.
28. Duck tape is like
the force, it has a
light side and
a dark side and it
holds the universe
together.
29. Telling a man to
go to hell and making
him do it are two entirely
different propositions.
30. Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.
31. There are two
theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
33. Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
34. Generally
speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is
moving.
35. Anything worth
taking seriously is worth
making fun of.
36. Diplomacy is the
art of saying "good
doggie" while looking for a
bigger stick.
37. If Barbie is so
popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?
38. Tact is the
ability to tell him to go to
hell and have him glad to be
on his way.
39. Experience is
something you don't get
until just after you need it.
40. The problem with
the gene pool is that
there is no lifeguard.
41. Don't be
irreplaceable; if you can't be
replaced, you can't be
promoted.
And most
importantly....
42. Before you
criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their
shoes.
==================================
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive.
I'll man the guns."
=============================
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you
doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who
are out standing in their field."
=====================
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to
get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn
and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew
into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about
it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went
in one ear and out the udder.
=====================
American History
----------------
Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal,
made it to a practice to visit the classes from
time to time. One day a week, he walked into Miss
Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were
studying American History. Mr. Jones asked
the class how many states they could name. They came
up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that
in his day students knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes,
but in those days there were only 13!"
=====================
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1983.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. !
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
===========================
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if
I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
=====================
Why don't skeletons go scuba diving?
They haven't got the guts.
=====================
A good pun is its own reword
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
===================
Signs seen around the World
----------------------------
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
================
Ten Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here justin time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
===============================
Teacher and Student
-------------------
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
=================
Jump Leads
A guy walks into a shop just before closing with a pair of jump leads
wrapped around his neck and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Okay,
but don't you go starting anything."
=============
Bet you didn't know.....
-------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,
you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand
(or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
=====================================
EVIDENCE YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2003
----------------------------------
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a new screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life is cause for panic and turning
around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organised is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're thinking how true all of this is.
===================
Thoughts for the day
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
2. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
3. A penny saved is a government oversight.
4. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
5. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
6. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
7. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
81. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
9. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
10. If Tesco is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
11. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world
to one person.
12. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
13. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
14. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors.......but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
15. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
16. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
17. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
18. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
19. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
20. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.
21. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing.
22. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
23. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.
24. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color
===============================
Pat and Johnny are in school talking about their Dad's work. Pat tells
Johnny that his Dad is an accountant. Johnny replies that that is nothing
as his Dad is a lawyer. "Honest" says Pat. "No, he's like all the rest"
replies Johnny.
==========================
Road Stop
----------
"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?"
demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low
moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease
up on him a bit. "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take
it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and
trailer?"
================================
REACH FOR IT, MISTER! After being admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound in his upper thigh, Bob Bowling, 32, of Willard, Ky., told police
officers dispatched to investigate the shooting that he had his gun in
a holster and it went off when he sat down. But Kentucky State Police
officers apparently didn't believe him and pressed for an explanation.
Bowling finally admitted that he was practicing his "quick draw" --
against a snowman. He lost. (Ashland Daily Independent) ...The cops
said the description of the assailant as having coal-black eyes, an
orange nose and a top hat was what tipped them off.
=====================
Man Drowns in Cereal
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his breakfast cereal?
He was eating muesli when a strong currant dragged him under.
======================================
Thirteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn by Dave Barry
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
9. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
11. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
12. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
13. Your friends love you, anyway.
==========================
The Golf Club
--------------
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a
pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender
Phrases of Wisdom......
------------------------
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
7. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
8. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
9. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
10. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
Choices
I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so
I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked
me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are my choices?"
And she said, "Yes or no."
Some useful signs:
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
payment."
Outside a car exhaust shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've
got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.............. Socks can eat any
place they want."
===============================
Some definitions:
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the
vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove
all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
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THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
======================
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something before it.
----------------
People who are willing to get up to search the room for the TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.
----------------
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat?
What, should I eat someone
else's cake Instead?
---------------
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
---------------
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, I
paid £8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What
did you come here for?
---------------
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,
did ya there buddy?
-------
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler :
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries- Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Princess Diana.... - Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?)
This one's truly amazing:
" To be or not to be: that is the question,whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to
Mars!"
--------
Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps
the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't
have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man exclaims, "I don't have the
hiccups! My wife does!"
===================
1-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
2-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
3-On the other hand you have different fingers.
4-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
5-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers why are they all still working?
6- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
7- It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.
8- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
9- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
10- War doesn't determine who's right - just who's left!
========================
Church Announcements
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who
are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
Father David spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The Parish Priest will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Parish
Priest
will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
*** Due to the Priest's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel
in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Year 6 will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
The concert held in The Parish Hall was a great success. Special thanks are
due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a
duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace
Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the priest's illness: GOD IS GOOD.
Dr.Hargreaves is better.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Priest is on holiday. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
===================================
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blown apart.
========================
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
===========================
SPELL CHECKER
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When I strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather I am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a missed ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
=============================
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
Oh man this is good.......
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
==================================
These beguiling ideas about science were taken from essays, exams, and classroom discussions; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
·
Question: What is one horsepower?·
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.·
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.·
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.·
Clouds are high flying fogs.·
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.·
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.·
Some day, we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.·
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.·
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.·
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.·
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.·
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.·
Lime is a green-tasting rock.·
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.·
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.·
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.·
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.·
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.·
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.·
Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.·
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.·
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.·
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.·
Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.·
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.·
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.·
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.·
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.·
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.·
A monsoon is a French gentleman.·
A thunderstorm is like a shower, only moreso.·
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.·
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.·
It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.·
The wind is like the air, only pushier.·
Question: In what ways are we dependant on the sun?==============================
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF LAWYERS
The following quotes from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
·
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?·
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?·
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: And did he kill you?·
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?·
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?·
Were you alone or by yourself?·
How long have you been a French Canadian?·
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?·
Q: I show youexhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?·
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?·
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated·
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?·
So you were gone until you returned?·
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?·
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?·
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?·
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.·
Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.·
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No dummy--he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!·
Q: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you listen for a heart beat?
A: No.
Q: So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
A: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere!
